When are you supposed to start dating?
This one’s a tough one, as it is different for everyone. I can, however, offer a few pointers.
Pointer #1: Talk to your parents
I can hear all of you saying…”What!? Why is this the first recommendation!?” The answer is two-fold.
1) Your parents love you! Trust me…I’ve talked to them :). Additionally, all of you in this confirmation class are still living in your parent’s house and should follow the guidelines they set for you - they put them in place to keep you safe. Keeping an honest and open conversation with them on this topic will help set you up for success. Trust me…dating is hard enough to keep clear-eyed as it is. You don’t need to add friction in your relationship with your parents into it. That DOESN’T mean just assume they’ll say “no dating” and be done with it….this is YOUR TIME to ask hard questions. Ask them what they think about dating. If they say it’s not for you, you can continue the conversation with a respectful, “mom/dad, do you mind if I ask why not? I’m not trying to challenge your decision, I’m trying to understand it and respect it.” Then…listen to what they have to say. And have an intelligent conversation with them about it. They know more than you think they do ;).
2) This is a PHENOMENAL opportunity for you to learn more about your parents - a side of them that you’ve never seen before. Ask them about their dating experience. Ask them about some mistakes that they have made that they would rather you not repeat. Ask them about the things they learned are key to a good dating relationship. Ask them at what point they discerned their Vocation - or if they wish they had discerned their Vocation. There is SO much you can learn about them - and I’d be willing to bet they are willing to share with you now that you are an appropriate age.
Pointer #2: First…discern your Vocation
Use the techniques you learned at the retreat to discern what God is calling you to. Is God calling you to be a Priest or Religious Sister? How about a Consecrated Single? Is He calling you to get Married? ASK Him. And be serious about this request :). Remember from the discernment talk…be sure to have the solid foundation first.
Also, keep in mind that God only tells you as much as you need to know for the time that you need to know it. He may want you to spend a summer at the convent when you turn 18 (they have that program at the retreat center we were at!) or even go to the seminary. I have plenty of friends who were called to go to the seminary, only to be called later to leave the seminary and then get married. If my friends hadn’t had heard God’s call at the time, they would have completely missed an opportunity to build that relationship with the Lord BEFORE getting married.
I highly recommend keeping this step at the forefront of your mind as you see your peers dating - don’t take any irreversible actions before discerning :).
Pointer #3: Know and be Comfortable with who YOU are first
Don’t let your dating relationship define who you are. You are first and foremost a child of God! This pointer is a hard one to follow, especially in Jr High and High School. This time is a time of growth - both physically and emotionally. It’s a time to build friendships - which will help determine who you become (see post on the bottom of this string). From personal and observed experience, I find that exclusive dating in Jr High and High School can lead to a confusion (or at least a delay) in being comfortable with who you are and who God is calling you to be. I’ll be honest…most people don’t get to this step till they are well into college or the work force.
Pointer #4: Don’t Date in Isolation
In other words…don’t keep your relationship a secret from the people you trust in your life. And…don’t spend SOOOO much time just with the person you’re dating that others who love you can’t help you out with your relationship. Your friends and/or parents will often see things that you can’t. Keep an open and honest conversation with them so they can point out if your relationship starts to take a turn for the worse.
Pointer #5: Date intentionally
Dating should have one primary purpose: to discern God’s call for your relationship. Is God calling you to take the next step to engagement, and then to marriage? Or is He calling you to go separate ways? Have these conversations openly with whoever it is that you end up dating.
Pointer #6: Wait to start dating until you are able to foresee Marriage in your Future
If you feel like you are too selfish to get married, then you probably don’t want to be dating, because you’ll only bring that selfishness into your dating relationship. Additionally, if you aren’t economically ready to get married, be sure that you have a plan to get there economically if God is calling you to Marriage.
Pointer #7: Set good, physical boundaries that help you say with your bodies what you are saying with your words. And…pace yourselves.
Remember the Intro to the Intro of TOB Talk? Live that :). And…remember, God naturally designed us as human beings to be drawn to each other, both physically and spiritually, when we are in a romantic relationship. This is a GOOD THING. However, realize that if you are starting to date when you are still 4 years away from being able to get married…you may want to stick to just holding hands for a lot longer.
Also…talk about how your physical relationship is going - when you are NOT caught up in the moment. When my now-wife and I were just dating, we had to redefine the physical boundaries of our relationship because we were at risk of moving too fast. That was a TOUGH conversation…but it was VERY good for our relationship. Realize we were only six months out from being “able” to get married (I was still a senior at a college that didn’t allow folks to get married). Additionally…I had not proposed yet.
Pointer #8: Talk about important, practical topics, too!
How do you view finances? Where do you want to live? How many children do you dream of having (and…no, I can’t tell you what God’s call is for you on this one haha)? Will one (or both) of you join the military? What career do you (or both) plan on having? Do either of you dream of staying home with the kids? What do you view the roles and/or duties of a husband/wife? What are each others’ love languages? What roles do you foresee your parents playing in your relationship after you get married (if that is what God is calling you to)? Think…how do you spend your holidays (IE…how often do you travel back to family…and…whose family?)
Now…keep in mind pointers # 5 & 6…if you’re not following pointers # 5 & 6…you may want to hold off on some of these topics for a while. But…all of these questions are important to discuss while you are dating so that you can truly discern whether God is calling you to marriage (see pointer #5).
Now…here are some FAQs I get from students:
1) Should we start dating in Jr High?
2) How about High School?
3) What about moving in together to save money?
4) Why can’t we date just to have fun?
5) Do I have to date only Catholic?
I’ll provide some answers later next week…but till then…I’m curious to hear your thoughts!!
