Preferred Gender Pronouns

First, thank you all for continuing to post questions! As we come to the close of this year’s Confirmation Class (congrats on Confirmation!!!), we’ll be migrating the blogs and the survey input forms to an archived site. If you want a copy of the “answers to burning questions” that we’ve posted, please email me at michael.p.mayor@outlook.com and I’ll get you a PDF :).

The question that was posted is as follows: “If you know someone or have a friend that refers to themselves as another gender than their birth gender, is it OK to call them by the pronouns they prefer?”

Excellent question! As always, there are multiple layers to this.

First, I want to clarify that we as Catholics need to oppose any policy that forces us to use the pronouns people prefer versus their birth gender. That has to do with “opposing the system” that is embracing an ideology contrary to the good of society.

But…I know that wasn’t your question :).

To answer your question, let’s apply the steps from the retreat again - but to the lie that someone’s “gender is dependent upon how they identify instead of the physical manifestation of their gender.”

In the interest of time, I’ll give you an abbreviated set of statements without proving them - then if you have more questions you can post them below :).

1) Identify the Truth

The entire “Gender re-Identity” movement is based on the principle that previously established ideas of “what it means to be a man” and “what it means to be a woman” are flawed. The movement is absolutely correct!

Think about it. In the past 50 years (ie back to the 70s), Western society has used films, novels, story telling, and advertisements to say that the “traditional” definitions of man and woman are based on flawed stereotypes. For example, the idea that the ideal man is “macho,” nothing bothers him, he drinks, smokes, doesn’t care about anything, is successful at everything, has a 6 pack, can bench press a car, and gets all the ladies (to name a few “traits”), and is physically attracted to women. The “traditional” idea of a woman is one who’s slim, has a lot of sex-appeal, is always gorgeously put together, is always ready to be rescued by the “prince charming”, is the nurturing character, is sexually attracted to men, etc. Now…the idea of “woman” has morphed quite a bit in the past 50 years based on different movements, but we can probably agree that a lot of those “stereotypes” have flaws in them.

So…the truth that the Gender Re-Identity movement has put a finger on is correct: Society has an inherent misunderstanding of what it means to be a man and what it means to be a woman.

2) Identify the Lie

The lie is that our bodies don’t matter. Realize that there are lots of different types of gender dysphoria (the actual medical condition where someone feels that they are the wrong gender), and many of the manifestations of its symptoms are very different from one another. However, when you boil down the movement’s philosophy, it all comes down to a philosophical assertion that our bodies don’t matter - the culture is saying that the truth has nothing to do with your chromosomal or genital makeup, but with how you feel/identify. That is the fundamental lie to the movement’s arguments: the body doesn’t matter. Per Catholic Teaching, the human person is an integral unity of body and soul…remove the body from the soul…and YOU’RE DEAD :).

3) Identify why the Lie is a Lie

The fact of the matter is, your biology matters. And it matters a lot. For 99.98% of the world, it’s inherently clear whether someone has male or female organs. Its even reflected in our chromosomes! This is beautiful and amazing! Remember, the complementarity of the sexes is one of the keys to understanding God!

Chances are, your friend doesn’t fall into the .02% of the world where there is a physical deformity or a chromosomal deformation that causes their gender to truly be in question. This discussion can be addressed in another thread if you would like, but we won’t put it here as it will distract from the central matters at stake here.

4) Explain reality, starting with the Truth.

Here’s the important part. From a pastoral standpoint, you CANNOT just tell your friend, “Look, you’re wrong. Everything you’re going through doesn’t impact the truth about your gender, and you should be referred to by the pronouns proper to the physical manifestation of your gender.” This is because you have to form a relationship with that person and show them how much you love them BEFORE you can speak truth into their lives. Remember, no one cares how much you know until they know how much you care.

But…you do have to intend to speak the truth with them at some point. It would be uncharitable if you let them get swept up in the lies of the world - and the current approach to gender adjustment can have debilitating and lifelong effects. If you listen to the 30 minute talk at the end of this thread, you’ll see that those who go through the “gender adjustment” surgeries are 40-something times more likely to attempt suicide than individuals who don’t go through that surgery.

So…what do you do?

First, and foremost, they have to know that you love them. Build that relationship.

Then, a very practical answer that Kamaya brought up, is that you can just avoid using pronouns when you refer to them. In other words, honor their name every time you refer to them, and call them by their first name every time you refer to them instead of saying, “him/her.” So, instead of saying, “George wants you to call him,” you can say, “George wants you to call. George will be waiting for your phone call.”

Another option is to use the gender neutral, “them.” Though this isn’t ideal, it shows them that you care while not normalizing the lie that they are buying from the world.

But you can’t let it stop there. If you are truly that person’s friend, you do need to have that discussion with them. But remember, at no point do you have to tell them that they’re wrong unless they ask you what you think. In other words, you should be asking them questions to truly try to understand where they are coming from. Anything less would be less than showing love to them.

Ask them what about their gender makes them uncomfortable. Agree on the truth! Remember the truth from the beginning of this post - the Gender Re-Identity movement identified the fact that the world has been selling us FALSE definitions of what it means to be a man and what it means to be a woman. Agree with them on that!

That said, they should also know what your beliefs are based on the fact that you are very clearly Catholic. This is clear because you say grace before meals and you live out your faith. So, when they are ready, they will ask you what you think. Before you respond…say a prayer to the Holy Spirit to guide your words. Let Him speak through you so that your words are filled with Love AND Truth.

What does this look like? It’s going to be different for every conversation. But remember, you must always strive to show that person you love them while staying faithful to the truth.

SO….all that to say - this is a very tough situation to find yourself in. But if you find yourself there, know that God has called you to be there. Show them how much you love them, use one of the two options listed above, and then when given the opportunity, speak the Truth in Love.

For a REALLY GOOD youtube video talking about more of the technical details of the “Gender Re-Identity” movement and our approach to it as Catholics, there’s a SEEK video that was posted as part of the FOCUS Conference a couple years back.

https://youtu.be/L_LyMdtRSTc

God Bless!